30 September 2014

Finding Me

Before I was a mother or a wife, I was me. I was Alycia.

That is who I have always been and who I will always be, but it seems as though, somewhere along the path of the chaotic life of wife, mother, and nurse, Alycia got lost. Alycia got pushed aside to make room for all the new me's in my life.

Motherhood is a never-ending busyness of diaper changes, meal making, laundry doing, house cleaning, book reading, middle of the night waking, and the list goes on and on. Now, don't get me wrong, I love motherhood. I love being a mommy to the sweetest little girl I've ever known. I have always wanted to be a mother. However, losing my identity as Alycia and becoming solely mommy is not what I intend to do. Somewhere along the way though, the sweat-pant wearing, greasy haired, bags under the eyes someone who resembles me took my place.

I often find I am multitasking myself through the day; cooking supper while doing the dishes and reading stories to Palmer all while trying to remember what else I have on my to-do list to complete. I feel the need to be this superhuman, taking on all that lies in front of me.

I'm in no way trying to be the Alycia I was before I had a family of my own. I am not that person anymore. However, trying to find a version of that person, mixed with wife, mother and nurse is who I am and who I need to be.  Evolving into this new version of who I am is foreign territory to me. With every new phase in our lives, I need to once again rediscover myself. With every new stage Palmer and our family grows into, I too need to grow.

I am a mother, and that makes up so much of who I am. Palmer is a part of me, and that changes me in so many ways, and that's OK. And with this motherhood, comes a new version of me, one waiting to be fully discovered.

I'm still figuring it all out; finding me.
Finding Alycia.

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